The opening credits are pretty uninspired. Very similarly designed to the second film’s title sequence, we get a recap of the first film via stills fractured within a web. In the middle of the credits, a venom-like theme is attempted (and fails), before the sequence strangely rushes through highlights of Spider-Man 2 (as it it didn't matter). Like the first two films, it opens with Peter (Tobey Maguire) narrating his life details which now includes MJ (Kirsten Dunst) full-time. Much to news publisher J. Jonah Jameson's (J.K. Simmons) dismay, Spider-Man is now considered a hero. School is also going well for Peter. MJ is a working theatrical actress. During a horribly lip-synched performance of “They Say It’s Wonderful” (technically from Annie Get Your Gun), Peter’s best friend Harry Osborn (James Franco) spies on him from balcony seats as he mouths the words along with his girlfriend. Harry is still stuck on Spider-Man killing his father (get over it already!). Peter visits MJ backstage. At his penthouse, Harry emerges from a pod billowing green smoke straight out of The Fly. Peter and MJ watch stars in Central Park while lounging on a web (sorry, guys, they did that in the second film and it was beautiful; here, it's just repetitive). While they kiss, a meteor hits containing the Venom virus which scuttles across the ground like an Alien and stows away on Peter’s scooter as they leave.
Cue fugitive Flint Marco (Thomas Haden Church and his ridiculous aquamarine eyes) wearing an orange jumpsuit while running from the authorities. He breaks into his daughter Penny's (Perla Haney-Jardine) room and leaves her a pack of 'return to sender' letters. While grabbing clothes, filling out his green striped T-shirt, his wife disgruntled Emma (Hollywood veteran Theresa Russell) confronts him. Penny wakes up and places a locket in his hand and he leaves on the words, “I’m not a bad person; I’ve just had bad luck.” Peter shares with Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) that he is going to ask MJ to marry him and she gives him advice, as well as her ring to offer MJ. On his scooter ride home, Harry attacks Peter as Green Goblin II in one of the almost stupidest fights ever. During the scuffle, Peter loses and regains the ring. At one point, Harry pulls out a lightsaber-type deal and tosses an army of throwing stars at Peter mid-chase. Peter tricks Harry into crashing into an alley and transports Harry’s unconscious body to the hospital, where doctors try to save him. At the precinct, an officer informs Captain Stacy (James Cromwell) that they may have found Marco running through a farm field. During a chase, Flint stumbles into a silo, where a huge spinning electronic contraption engages and changes his DNA into the disintegrating and reassembling villain Sandman. He inadvertently evades the authorities by becoming a giant pile of sand.
At the hospital, the doctor informs Peter that Harry is fine, but lost some of his memory. MJ joins him for a visit. Sandman learns how to reconstitute himself in one of the movie’s better scenes, similar to how Peter first had to teach himself how to use his web-slinging talents. He also has to figure out how to pick up his daughter’s locket with his new constitution. Of course, when we see a Disneyfied Church fully formed, he’s wearing his clothing. MJ surprises Peter with a visit about a bad review. His response is very male-like. A police notification interrupts him and he cuts the conversation short as Spider-Man's services are needed. When MJ leaves, we watch Venom creep out from behind his desk.
 |
| Topher Grace and Elizabeth Banks showing a little tongue |
Police spot Flint, but he has hidden in a truckload of sand. He reconstitues himself to an enormous size and begins to a attack when an officer unknowingly sticks a shovel into the container , prompting Sandman to escape in the wind. Harry spots MJ during the commemoration when Gwen makes a speech. Spider-Man puts on a little show before insisting Gwen kiss him while he's upside down, recreating his first kiss with MJ (not possible). Sandman storms through the city and breaks into an armored car stealing money. Cocky Spider-Man shows up to stop him, but he has bit off more than he can chew. Sam Raimi regular Bruce Campbell has his third cameo in the franchise as the maître d' at a French restaurant. Gwen interrupts Peter’s date with MJ, which ends abruptly and not at all like Peter envisioned it.
The precinct calls Peter and Aunt May in to inform them that it was actually Flint who killed Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson). MJ visits Peter out of concern. While he sleeps, Venom overtakes him. He wakes up as Bizzaro Spider-Man, completely dressed in a black version of his suit. He likes the feeling Venom has unknowingly instilled him with and starts to swing around town to music that suspiciously sounds like the theme to Danny Elfman's score in Tim Burton’s Batman (which has been ongoing at this point). Peter has Dr. Curt Connors (Dylan Baker) examine a piece of Venom. A police notification of a sand storm sends a Venomized Spider man to duty. In the process, he runs across Eddie and breaks his camera.
 |
| MJ and Harry do the twist round and round, baby, like this |
 |
| James Franco auditioning for Sprockets! |
 |
| James Franco gives good torso, even clothed, like the last movie |
 |
| Franco also gives good arched eyebrow |
 |
| James Franco pretends to describe what Kirsten Dunst's Vah-gay-gay tastes like |
Life improves for Peter. The Daily Bugle hires him back and we get an awfully painful montage of Tobey Maguire acting like he’s the shit, set to a 70s soundtrack. It turns out Flint has survived and finds Penny’s locket. Peter takes Gwen on a date to a jazz club, where MJ works (you’d think that Harry would pay her for her sacrifice, but NO!). MJ starts to perform and Peter hops on the piano and steals the spotlight in a sad WTF display that steals any hope of the film redeeming itself. He starts to dance with Gwen; then she realizes Peter is using her and leaves confused. Peter gets into a fight and ends up knocking MJ over. This Venom thing has great short-term effects, but the long-term potential is not sustaining.
As Venom, Peter's story-line ruminates in the rain. At a church, Eddie prays to God for Peter’s death. In a bell tower of the same church, Peter begins to struggle with his Venom suit, which is trying to take ahold of him permanently. In a clunky moment, part of Venom falls onto Eddie and the rest of it follows suit, literally, releasing Peter of its clutches. In one unceremonious transition, as he is essentially weak and without morals, Eddie becomes the fully realized Venom. Aunt May visits Peter. In the worst condensed moment of the film, Venom just so happens to run into Flint. “I want to kill the spider, you want to kill the spider. Together, he doesn’t stand a chance. Interested?” (Two through-lines joined forces in the most uninspired way imaginable--which could have been brilliant.) Eddie kidnaps MJ and traps her in a taxi hanging above the city. Peter enlists Harry’s assistance, but he sends him away. The houseman (John Paxton, who appeared in all three films) implores Harry to do the right thing. MJ begins to fall in the taxi, but, as luck would have it, the drop is delayed by getting caught in a web. With MJ’s assistance, Spider-Man is able to hold off Venom. Sandman forms after lying about. With not a moment to spare, Harry shows up as a good Goblin Jr. Spider-Man returns MJ to safety. Venom almost kills Peter, but Goblin intervenes, only to be murdered himself. Peter manages to separate Eddie from the costume, but, when he throws a goblin grenade at Venom, Eddie perishes along with it by choice. Sandman shows up and shares that he accidentally killed Uncle Ben and disappears into the ether. Harry dies. Peter attends his funeral with MJ. "Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside of us, we always have a choice," muses Peter as the narrator. MJ sings at a nightclub and stops when Peter enters. The movie ends with them embracing. Ah. Bye-bye Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, hello Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone.
0 comments:
Post a Comment