Lindsay WasThisCloseToAnEmmy

I spy with my little eye something to steal ...

This morning, the 93 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association failed to make Lindsay Lohan's carcass of a career briefly relevant again and give her something to tweet about.  They didn't nominate her for her amazingly bland portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime Movie Liz & Dick.  She would have been in the ranks of such company as The Tourist, which received three nominations a few years ago, and Pia Zadora, who won a Globe, as well as a Razzie, for Butterfly in 1983.  I'm sure this placed her in a grouchy disposition, enough that fortune tellers and pedestrians better be on the watch for the next 24 or so hours.  Now, instead of attending the Golden Globes in January, she has that postponed court date.  She didn't have any money to buy anyone off, so she is going to have to put off that Emmy and delusions of Oscar for now.

Speaking of buying people off, Zadora's biggest hit stateside (when she wasn't giving audiences gloriously crappy performances, she was giving listeners gloriously crappy songs) was "When the Rain Begins to Fall."  This would be in the spirit of Los Angeles' downpour last night which surprised me at midnight with a leak that flooded by bathroom.  Zadora sings the duet with Jermaine Jackson, and because it was the early-to-mid-80s and someone ambitious had a brilliant idea, they turned it into a mini-movie!  Jackson tries to dress like his more talented brother Michael, flanked by a bunch of brothers wearing black apocalyptic outfits that can only be described as bargain-basement Mad Max-lite.  A gang of crackers wearing white (oh, how symbolically racial!) ride motorbikes on the beach and tread on enemy turf looking for a bar.  Tensions rise, and Zadora sells Whitey out by trying to get a piece of chocolate love, setting off a firestorm of a dance-fight.  Think trashy West Side Story with synthesizer accompaniment.  Once Zadora gets what she came for, she ditches Jermaine, because it's the 80s and she was married to a white multimillionaire, so he had to be happy with the ending.  Or, maybe she was just saving Jermaine for Tootie from The Facts of Life, who, you know, loved Jermaine so much, she made a ginormous God-awful paper maché sculpture of his head that got mistaken for a bomb and ended up in a dumpster.  Rejection is a bitch.  Ask Lindsay today.  But, wear a helmet.