At home, Armando's father Miguel Ernesto (Pedro Armendáriz Jr.) chides his less-than-intelligent son for not being more like his successful brother who is due for a visit. Raul (Diego Luna), himself a drug dealer, arrives with his muy caliente fiancee Sonia (Genesis Rodriguez). She introduces herself to everyone and there's a subtle (but clear to the audience) spark that ignites between Sonia and Armando. When the two are alone, he waxes poetic on what he looks for in a woman and nearly inadvertently seduces her before their moment is interrupted by Raul's request for his father's blessing. He plans to marry Sonia at the ranch.
News travels of the wedding and the ranch hands accuse Armando of being jealous of his brother. Sonia interrupts one of their laughter bits. Armando halfheartedly helps Sonia onto a horse, before they go on "a ride" (they sit on fake horses while the scenery moves). She shares her troubled childhood with Armando, which includes an uncle who treated her very poorly. Armando shows her the pond where his mother was murdered. In a humorous flashback, bandits surprise a young Armando (Elijah Velarde) and his mother (Sandra Echeverría) and the nervous boy accidentally shoots his mother dead with the rifle his father gave him. Back to present, Armando gets into an argument with Sonia and suggests that she's a gold-digger.
On the ride home, they find a burning car next to a dying man who recognizes Sonia. Armando finds drugs in the trunk and tells Sonia she's rich. They argue and Sonia reveals that Raul is a drug dealer. Driving with the ranch hands, we see a toy car representing Armando's vehicle driving through a very pedestrian scale model of the local town. Armando finds his brother and Raul justifies his profession by saying he sells drugs only to Americans. Onza (Gael García Bernal) arrives and Raul claims his turf and postures him by letting dirt gradually fall out of his fist. "This is my land," he says in Spanish. In the scene, there are several jokes involving smoking.
Armando sits with the ranch hands around a fire at night while they sing a song and then start breaking a bunch of beer bottles. A white spotless jaguar startles them. On the ride back, Officer Vicente Blancardo (Manuel Urrego) and DEA agents Parker (Nick Offerman) and #2 (Jerry Collins) threaten Armando to offer up his brother.
At the rehearsal dinner, Miguel introduces everyone including friend Sheila (a surprise cameo from SNL alum Molly Shannon). There are several toasts. Armando, who can't handle the proceedings, storms out and Sonia follows him. She reveals that Onza is her uncle and they sing a duet: "La." During the ceremony, Sonia marches down the aisle to a Spanish version of Procol Harum's "A Whiter Shade of Pale." Men arrive with automatic weapons and massacre almost everyone there (Shannon, unfortunately does not have an outlandish death scene). Sonia weeps, while Miguel lies dying in Raul's arms. Blancardo confirms with Onza over the phone that everyone died except the two brothers and his niece. The ranch hands locate the absent Armando. On Miguel's deathbed, they discuss what his father will tell Mama Ernesto about her drug-dealing son Raul. Miguel dies in shame. Officer Blancardo and Agent Parker discuss the drug war and what it's doing to Mexico. Armando finds Sonia under the light of a full moon just as she's about to drown herself in the pond where Armando's mother died. Armando strips down to his long johns and saves her. Set to 70's instrumentals, they have a butt-grabbing love scene that involves perhaps Ferrell's fuzzy ass, as well as, at times, Rodriguez' butt-double, including that of a mannequin's.
The next day, Onza finds them sleeping. Armando manages to knock two of Onza's men out, but Officer Blancardo shoots Armando several times. They kidnap Sonia and leave Armando to the coyotes. Meanwhile, Raul snorts coke back at the ranch. The movie has a little fun and interrupts Armando's next scene with a voice-over from faux second camera man Emilio Sanchez reading the rolling credits explaining the amazing footage that they were unable to use for the movie. Instead, we see a puppet jaguar pulling Armando's body away from some defeated coyotes. The jaguar speaks to Armando and reveals a vision which includes a string of wacky images, as well as short clips from previous moments in the movie. Armando realizes what he must do. Officer Blancardo warns Onza that the Ernesto family will seek vengeance. Sonia rebuffs her uncle's amorous advances. The DEA and Officer Blancardo observe the attack on Onza's estate. Onza holds Sonia at gunpoint while Raul dies with his gun in one hand and a drink in the other. Armando begins annihilating everyone in sight with his fire power. When Onza tosses Sonia off the balcony, Armando catches her. Together, they pull the trigger on Onza. The DEA and Officer Blancardo stop Armando and Sonia, but with the help of Agent #2, both of the bad guys are quickly dispatched. They ride off into the sunset as the agent waves goodbye and the jaguar watches off in the distance and laughs.
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