Rock of Ages MOVIE SPOILER SUMMARY (follows review)

A hybrid version of A Star is Born, young and impressionable Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) and Drew Boley (Diego Boneta) aspire to be huge rock stars in the 1980s-set Rock of Ages.  The title comes from an old Def Leppard song (the introduction of which my brother spent one afternoon trying to get my German-speaking father to translate), of which there are three total, along with the equally represented Journey and Poison.  On the flipside is the jaded Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise), the once successful singer rides the fumes of previous glories and drinks away the proceeds.  The Bourbon Room provides the backdrop for the love stories that emerge and is also the lightning rod in the battle between faux puritanism and sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.  With Hairspray and Ages under his belt, Hollywood has found their go-to director for musicals in Adam Shankman.  A digestible form of the insipid Glee by way of Baz Luhrman, there is all kinds of unexpected talent involved: Mia Michaels (choreography), Tobey Maguire (producer), and Justin Theroux (screenwriter).

The other side of Hollywood

Sweet Sherrie with her feathered hair arrives on the scene like the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Betty Elms in Mulholland Dr, capturing a sweetness Christina Aguilera missed out on in 2010’s Burlesque.  Cruise finds himself wearing his ex-wife’s vamp nail polish in the Magnolia hotseat against Rolling Stone interviewer Constance Sack (Malin Åkerman).  This time, however, he doesn’t have Daddy issues, but his Stacee Jaxx is a depressed, alcoholic rock star who is being taken advantage of by his manager.  Leave what you know about Cruise at the door.  The more he tries the character roles, the more comfortable he gets over the years (Interview with a Vampire, Magnolia, Tropic Thunder) and he’s quite believable as disaffectingly molesting himself all the time and burying his face in various vices.  But, surprisingly, he has zero sex appeal; someone perhaps younger like Ben Affleck may have worked, or even Keanu Reeves.  The shirtless Cruise has charisma, sure enough, but his magnetism here strangely has some limits.

Julianne Hough can dance ... and sing ... and glow

Mia Michael’s excellent choreography includes synchronized poll dancing that concludes with a death-defying J. drop.  Shankman’s expert directing is everywhere to be found.  From a clever way that Jaxx counts down to a flip-off, to turning his back to the audience while the lighting shines on his face tellingly showing the audience the price of fame in just a few frames.  Shankman charmingly weaves songs in, from contexts where singing is normally acceptable to situations that require the suspension of disbelief.   The carefully assembled mashups arrive on cue and are measured out perfectly.  The editing swiftly and effortlessly provides smooth transitions that contribute to the efficient storytelling.  There is just the right amount of everything and it’s very easy to get caught up in this lewd bedlam rife with gratuitous tongue licking.  Twenty-five years ago, there was a lot of bad music and horrible fashion.  Most of it isn’t worth remembering other than to poke fun at.  Yet, Agestakes everything that was wrong about the 80s and makes it right.  I was so ready to shit on this popcorn in therough, and now I’m wondering if Ageswill end up on my Top Ten list at year’s end.  We’ll have to see what I have to work with come December.

Movie Spoiler Summary

Pole dancing at the Venus Room

It’s 1987 in the heart of Hollywood.  Some of the principals and the chorus sing a mashup of “Sister Christian” (Night Ranger), “Just Like Paradise” (David Lee Roth), and “Nothin’ but a Good Time” (Poison).  Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) arrives in the city of dreams after leaving her small Oklahoma town in search of fame and following her dream.  She arrives at The Bourbon Room, an LA hotspot on Sunset Blvd struggling financially, run by Dennis Dupree (Alex Baldwin).  The star act is Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise), a popular musician who is burnt out on life and career.  Sherrie meets Drew Boley (Diego Boneta), an aspiring musician working at the club, who gets her a job there as a waitress.  Meanwhile, Mayor Mike Whitmore (Bryan Cranston) is running for reelection.  He’s married to Patricia aka Patty Cakes (Catherine Zeta-Jones), a religious woman who crusades against crass entertainment and lives to see the demise of The Bourbon Room.  She decides, “The Bourbon could be a Benetton by the end of the month.” 

Tom Cruise giving the crowd what they want?

“I Remember You” (Skid Row) plays in the background before Drew sings “Juke Box Hero” (Journey), which turns into a mashup with “I Love Rock N’ Roll” (Joan Jett & the Blackheart).  Jaxx wakes up from a drunken slumber for a Rolling Stone interview with Constance Sack (Malin Åkerman).  Patricia and her fellow female parishioners assemble for “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” (Pat Benatar).  The beginning of “Oh Sherrie” (Steve Perry) starts.  Drew and Sherrie fall in love while she teaches him to get over stage fright during their duet of “Waiting for a Girl Like You” (Foreigner).  Atop of the Hollywood sign, he shares a song he “wrote” (“Don’t Stop Believin’”—Journey). 

Julianne Hough uses hairspray to get that Cameron Diaz look

At The Bourbon, after “Talk Dirty to Me” (Poison), Sherrie convinces Dennis to let Drew open up for Jaxx’ band Arsenal.  Drew tells Dennis that they’re “going to blow you away.”  Dennis: “You’re going to blow me alright.”  A girl walks up to Sherrie and warns her that Drew will eventually drop her once his career takes off.  Sherrie sings “More Than Words” (Extreme), that mashes up with Drew singing “Heaven Isn’t Too Far Away” (Warrant).  The musical’s title comes from Def Leppard’s “Rock of Ages,” which plays at this point in the movie.  Dennis visits Jaxx where he’s hanging out with his monkey, Hey Man, before Constance starts the interview.  There’s a seamless segue to Jaxx singing “Wanted Dead or Alive” (Bon Jovi).  Sherrie has a hot moment with Jaxx, who sends her off to his limo to fetch some scotch.  Reporter Mitch Miley (Will Forte) interviews Patricia about how she feels Jaxx rapes “the ears of our children.”  After Constance cuts Jaxx’ professional choices as of late down to size, he kicks his manager Paul Gill (Paul Giamatti) out of the room. 

Two (beautiful) dudes 

Jaxx slips into a rendition of “I Want to Know What Love Is” (Foreigner), joined by Sherrie and Drew.  Drew mistakenly thinks that Sherrie has slept with Jaxx and sings “I Wanna Rock” (Twisted Sister).  He gets into a fight with Sherrie and they break up.  Impressed with Drew’s performance on stage, Paul sticks his claws in him.  “Pour Some Sugar On Me” (Def Leppard) begins.  Jaxx has his back to the audience and the strobe light along with his hand motions actually comically make him look like he’s masturbating.  Paul takes all of the proceeds from Jaxx’ set from Dennis.  Crushed, Sherrie sings “Harden My Heart” (Quarterflash), which turns into a duet with Justice Charlier (the amazing Mary J. Blige), who hires her at the Venus Room.  “Shadows of the Night” (Pat Benatar) commences.  “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” (Def Leppard) plays in the background for a brief moment before they return to the Quarterflash song and mash it up in a duet with “Shadows,” complete with synchronized poll dancing ending in a D-drop.

Love is in the air

Patricia confesses to her husband that Jaxx broke her roommate’s heart in college and she vowed to seek revenge.  Drew kicks off a group rendition of “Here I Go Again” (Whitesnake).  Dennis sulks over his failing business and his partner Lonny (the Russell Brand in rare form) confesses his love for him, which turns into a hilarious and touching duet of “Can’t Find This Feeling Anymore” (REO Speedwagon).  Brand’s moves are stunning. When one of Dennis’ employees inquires about some people that have arrived to see him, he tells him to “Tell them I’m busy … busy falling in love.” 

Hey Man

Justice informs Sherrie via “Any Way You Want It” (Journey) that in order to make the good money she has got to dance.  Paul convinces Drew to start a boy band.  He also persuades Dennis to let Jaxx perform, all the proceeds of which will go to the house.  The Rolling Stone article comes out and reveals Paul’s embezzling.  Jaxx drinks a bottle of old scotch while pissing on Paul’s leg and then firing him.  Drew and Sherrie talk and he realizes the misunderstanding.  Sherrie: “I’m a stripper at the Venus club.”  Drew: “I’m in a boy band.”  Sherrie: “You win.”   Then, “Everything Rose Has Its Thorn” (Poison) plays.  Drew sends her a message.  Jaxx calls Rolling Stone magazine looking for Constance in a pretty funny scene with a receptionist played by T.J. Miller (who was brilliant in Our Idiot Brother). 

Malin Åkerman has a good agent

In a standoff outside The Bourbon Room between rockers and religion, there’s a mashup between “We Built This City” (Jefferson Airplane) verses “We’re Not Going to Take It” (Twisted Sister).  In a hilarious moment for Zeta-Jones, she has a meltdown and Jaxx totally turns her into gooey putty.  While “No One Like You” (The Scorpions) plays in the background, Jaxx makes out with Constance.  Drew prepares for the stage with his boy band and then has a moment with Sherrie.  Jaxx and Constance start to get more heated.  Sherrie and Drew sing “Don’t Stop Believin.’”  Roll awesome end credits to the tune of “Cum on Feel the Noize” (Quiet Riot). 

Box-Office Potential

Chicago and Hairspray are the precursors here, with the latter being the most comparable example.  They both have a similar sense of humor and had Shankman as director, only being set in two completely different decades.  And, they even both throw in a small, digestible degree of politics, although Hairspraywas more heavy-handed.  $100M would be the safe bet, yet, who knows if audiences might just not show up for this rare quality Hollywood musical.  The reviews have been scathing.  It currently sit under a 50% RT.  Yikes.  

Oscar Prospects

Murky, depending on box-office.  Even Hairsprayreceived no AMPAS love.  Despite its subject matter and fluffy tone, this is better constructed film than Hairspray.  I want to say it will have luck in the sound categories.  Golden Globes for Best Motion Picture Comedy/Musical (for the win), Tom Cruise and Julianne Hough for leads.  The supporting category has lesser chances at the Globes, but Catherine Zeta-Jones and Alec Baldwin may make their way into the conversation at some point.