Grandma Smurf Strikes Again

After she made the mistake of sending one of her less abled sons to throw a firebomb at Ms. Hathaway's Oscar Dream, Grandma Smurf does NOT let up.  "Damn me if Jennifer and Robert get Oscars and NOT ME.  This may be my last chance.  Some are even giving Bradley Cooper dark horse status.  BRADLEY-FUCKING-COOPER.  He hosts travel shows naked!  This is unacceptable."  Deciding she can handle her campaign better than Harvey Weinstein thankyouverymuch, she enlists another one of her boys to rely less on rumor and more on evidence.  Unable to break into her NYC apartment to take pictures of Hathaway's temporary Academy Award stage (that will be converted to a humidity-controlled Oscar display room at the end of February), she sends Darren instead of Craig to the 30 Rockefeller Plaza archive room to view old SNL episodes and dig up something good.  And, low and behold, right from underneath everyone with short memories and poor cognitive skills, he only had to watch Anne's last two times hosting to discover that she has done not one, but two impressions of Dawson's Crack star Katie Holmes.  "Bloody Hell," thought Darren.  "It couldn't be just a coincidence."  He plays Anne's last stint from late 2012 to the very end of the episode and watches her apologize to Claire Danes for her grown-up Angela Chase impersonation at curtain, but says nothing concerning the former  Scientology beard, not even a derisive side-eye. "Eureka!"

Darren eagerly flies back to Grandma Smurf's L.A. headquarters behind the Dolby Theater to share the wonderful information.  "I've got good news, Mum."  Jacki's smile curls ever so slightly at the ends in anticipation of what's next.  "She's a bitch, a grade-A cunt and I've got the proof."  He explains and Ms. Weaver doesn't get too excited: "It's not a whole lot, son,  But, it's a start, love, it's a start."  Realizing Star Magazine would recognize her voice from the other day, she picks up the phone and calls the Enquirer instead and uses the Oklahoman accent she had been learning for August: Osage County.  (Damn that asshole Harvey for telling me I'd be his next Judi Dench, she thinks as she puts her newly acquired skill to some use)  "Hello, tabloid people.  My name is Katie Holmes."  She begins sobbing.  "And, Annie Hathaway hates my guts!"  Darren interrupts her and whispers, "Katie's from Ohio, not Oklahoma."  Jacki hangs up the phone, smirks, and pulls into her computer to check Celebitchy.  Looking at the post at the very tops, she says, "Looks like it doesn't matter, son.  We may have found our positive spin.  Annie's dream is going to turn into a nightmare, yet, just you wait."