Here is the full transcript (after the video) with a little editorialization from yours truly:
Thank you. Well, for all of you SNL fans, I'm fifty! I'm fifty! [A Molly Shannon/Sally O'Malley reference missing, "I like to kick, stretch, and KICK!"] You know, I need to do that without this dress on, but you know, maybe later at Trader Vic's [She'll be kicking, stretching, and KICKING next to the Beverly Hilton later], boys and girls. What do you say? I'm fifty! You know, I was going to bring my walker tonight, but it just didn't go with cleavage. Robert, I want to thank you for everything. For your bat-crazed, rapid-fire brain, the sweet intro. I love you and Susan, and I am so grateful that you continually talk me off the ledge when I go on and foam at the mouth and say I'm done with acting, I'm done with acting, I'm really done, I'm done, I'm done. Trust me, forty-seven years in the film business is a long time. You just ask those Golden Globies, because, you crazy kids, you've been around here forever. You know, Phil, you're a nut; Aida, Scott, thank you for honoring me tonight. And, it is the most fun party of the year, and tonight, I feel like the prom queen. [Applause] Thank you.
Looking at all those clips, you know the hairdos and the freaky platform shows, it's like a home movie nightmare that just won't end, and all of these people sitting here at these tables, they're my family of sorts, you know. Fathers, mostly [unconscious dig at sexism?]: executives, producers, directors, my fellow actors out there. We've giggled through love scenes, we've punched and cried and spit and vomited and blown snot all over one another--and those are just the co-stars I liked. But you know more than anyone else, I share my most special memories with members of the crew. Blood-shaking friendships, brothers and sisters. We made movies together, and you can't get more intimate than that.
[Deep exhale] So when I'm here being all confessional, and I guess I just have a sudden urge to say something that I've never really been able to air in public. [This is the part we all thought she was going to come out.] So, a declaration, that I'm a little nervous about, but maybe not quite as nervous as my publicist right now. Huh, Jennifer? But you know, I'm just gonna put it out there, right? Loud and proud, right? So I'm gonna need your support on this. I am ... single. [This is the part where she pulls the carpet from under everyone's feet.] [Laughter, both nervous and otherwise.] Yes I am, I am single. No, I'm kidding. But I mean, I'm not really kidding, but I'm kind of kidding. Thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?
Thank you. Well, for all of you SNL fans, I'm fifty! I'm fifty! [A Molly Shannon/Sally O'Malley reference missing, "I like to kick, stretch, and KICK!"] You know, I need to do that without this dress on, but you know, maybe later at Trader Vic's [She'll be kicking, stretching, and KICKING next to the Beverly Hilton later], boys and girls. What do you say? I'm fifty! You know, I was going to bring my walker tonight, but it just didn't go with cleavage. Robert, I want to thank you for everything. For your bat-crazed, rapid-fire brain, the sweet intro. I love you and Susan, and I am so grateful that you continually talk me off the ledge when I go on and foam at the mouth and say I'm done with acting, I'm done with acting, I'm really done, I'm done, I'm done. Trust me, forty-seven years in the film business is a long time. You just ask those Golden Globies, because, you crazy kids, you've been around here forever. You know, Phil, you're a nut; Aida, Scott, thank you for honoring me tonight. And, it is the most fun party of the year, and tonight, I feel like the prom queen. [Applause] Thank you.
[Deep exhale] So when I'm here being all confessional, and I guess I just have a sudden urge to say something that I've never really been able to air in public. [This is the part we all thought she was going to come out.] So, a declaration, that I'm a little nervous about, but maybe not quite as nervous as my publicist right now. Huh, Jennifer? But you know, I'm just gonna put it out there, right? Loud and proud, right? So I'm gonna need your support on this. I am ... single. [This is the part where she pulls the carpet from under everyone's feet.] [Laughter, both nervous and otherwise.] Yes I am, I am single. No, I'm kidding. But I mean, I'm not really kidding, but I'm kind of kidding. Thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?
[This is the part where the audio goes out and Mel Gibson attempts a wolf-whistle. She says, "I hope you guys weren't hoping this would be"] a big coming out speech tonight, because I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. [This is the part where some of the more bitter members of the LGBT community start to roll their eyes.] [Cheers from those who value privacy, as those more conservative and/or closeted members who hate it when celebrities come out.] In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl [uh-oh, shades of her whacky defense of Kristen Stewart from earlier in 2012] would open up to trusted friends and family, co-workers, and then gradually, proudly to everyone who knew her, to everyone she actually met. But now, apparently, I'm told that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance, and a prime time reality show [unintended dig at those who did come out very publicly and arguably necessarily]. [More laughter from many, including unknowingly ironically from an assortment of fame whores in the audience.] You guys might be surprised, but I am not Honey Boo Boo Child. No, I'm sorry, that's just not me, it never was, and it never will be. But please don't cry, because my reality show would be so boring. I would have to make out with Marion Cotillard, I would have to spank Daniel Craig's bottom, you know, just to stay on the air. It's not bad work if you can get it though. [Okay, at this point, things have gotten very awkward and semi-poorly executed. Mayday, mayday]
But seriously, if you had been a public figure from the time you were a toddler, if you'd had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else. [Okay, this is when Foster recovers and we all realize that, no, not everyone has lived a life in the public eye since diapers AND had to endure a political assassination attempt that was performed in her 'honor.'] Privacy [More clapping, including the fame whores in the audience]: someday, in the future, people will look back and remember how beautiful it once was. I have given everything, up there, from the time that I was three years old. That's reality show enough, don't you think? [More applause. Yes, Jodie, you have made a lot of cool movies.] There are a few secrets to keeping your psyche intact over such a long career. The first: love people, and stay beside them. That table over there, 222, way out out in Idaho, Paris, Stockholm, that one next to the bathroom with all the unfamous faces, the very same faces for all these years. My acting agent, Joe Funicello, Joe, do you believe it, what, thirty-eight years we've been working together? Even though he doesn't count the first eight. Matt Saber, Pat Kingsley, Jennifer Allen, Grant Iman and his uncle Jerry [Borack], may he rest in peace--lifers. My family and friends, here tonight and at home. And of course, Mel Gibson--you know you saved me too. [So conflicted, Mel has to deal with a lesbian giving the industry pariah the biggest shout-out he may ever receive again since his fall from grace.]
But seriously, if you had been a public figure from the time you were a toddler, if you'd had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else. [Okay, this is when Foster recovers and we all realize that, no, not everyone has lived a life in the public eye since diapers AND had to endure a political assassination attempt that was performed in her 'honor.'] Privacy [More clapping, including the fame whores in the audience]: someday, in the future, people will look back and remember how beautiful it once was. I have given everything, up there, from the time that I was three years old. That's reality show enough, don't you think? [More applause. Yes, Jodie, you have made a lot of cool movies.] There are a few secrets to keeping your psyche intact over such a long career. The first: love people, and stay beside them. That table over there, 222, way out out in Idaho, Paris, Stockholm, that one next to the bathroom with all the unfamous faces, the very same faces for all these years. My acting agent, Joe Funicello, Joe, do you believe it, what, thirty-eight years we've been working together? Even though he doesn't count the first eight. Matt Saber, Pat Kingsley, Jennifer Allen, Grant Iman and his uncle Jerry [Borack], may he rest in peace--lifers. My family and friends, here tonight and at home. And of course, Mel Gibson--you know you saved me too. [So conflicted, Mel has to deal with a lesbian giving the industry pariah the biggest shout-out he may ever receive again since his fall from grace.] [Here's the 'coming out' portion, that some may say is a 'back-handed' coming out. I say it's a coming out, Foster style. Hello. What did you expect? This is the best as it's going to get, haters. Deal with it.] There is no way I could ever stand here without acknowledging one of the deepest loves of my life, my heroic co-parent, my ex-partner in love, but righteous soul sister in life. My confessor, ski buddy, consigliere, most-beloved BFF of twenty years, Cydney Bernard. Thank you Cyd. I am so proud of our modern family [LOL, shout out to the TV show?], our amazing sons Charlie and Kit [They're gingers! Makes me wonder who is the sperm donor even more!], who are my reason to breathe, and to evolve, my blood and soul. And boys, in case you didn't know it, this song, like all of this, this song is for you. This brings me to the greatest influence of my life, my amazing mother Evelyn. Mom, I know you're inside those blue eyes somewhere and that there are so many things that you won't understand tonight [Mom is not alone; she pretty much has the whole world with her on this], but this is the only important one to take in: I love you, I love you, I love you. And I hope that if I say this three times, it will magically and perfectly enter into your soul, fill you with grace, and the joy of knowing that you did good in this life. You're a great mom. Please take that with you when you're finally okay to go. [Well, if Jodie didn't win you back at this point, then your heart is made of stone.]
You see Charlie and Kit, sometimes your mom loses it too. But I can't help but get moony, you know. This feels like the end of one era and the beginning of something else. Scary and exciting, and now what? Well, I may never be up on this stage again. On any stage, for that matter. [Um, Jodie, you're being a little overdramatic for having just come out. We all want to see you work. And, perhaps if you put less gaps in between each project, you might end up on stage again.] Change, you've gotta love it. I will continue to tell stories, to move people by being moved: the greatest job in the world. It's just that from now on, I may be holding a different talking stick. And maybe it won't be as sparkly. Maybe it won't open on three thousand screens. Maybe it will be so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle. [Mel Gibson?] But it will be my writing on the wall: Jodie Foster was here, I still am, and I want to be seen, to be understood, deeply, and to be not so very lonely. [She wants to continue working in some medium, but retain her privacy; and did she say she's single?] Thank you, all of you, for the company [even the fame whores in the audience?]. Here's to the next fifty years. [Yes, I have no doubts, Foster will live to 100, at least.]
