Review: Snow White and the Huntsman

I love how the poster boasts that this movie is from the
producer of Alice in Wonderland ... like that's a good thing

So, I finally got a chance to see the more successful of the two competing Snow White films from 2012: Snow White and the Hunstman (or Twilight Hester Prynne aka Kristen Stewart and the older, slightly less hunky Hemsworth brother Chris). Their critical marks on aggregates sites like RT and IMDb are pretty similar, but it was this one that clearly bettered Julia Roberts' failed light-hearted venture. In this one, things get bloody and the dwarfs aren't actually little people, but miniaturized versions of highly respected British actors like Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, and Toby Jones. Would this be considered very un-PC "little-person-face"?  (Lamentably, neither film went with the traditional names like Dopey and Sneezy, as we have all come to love.)  This certainly isn't your mother's Snow White or even your unhip gay uncle's Snow White.  This pure-as-driven-snow girl doesn't cook or clean.  To tell you the truth, she doesn't do much of anything, which is especially painful, because she's played by Stewart.  They take the thinly plotted Disney cartoon, reintroduce some of the Grimmer elements (though, sadly, not enough), and update the story Game of Thrones style with quasi-feminist/misogynist overtones: evil queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) murders beautiful Snow White's father for power, banishes the daughter, and then tries to have her killed when she can't handle being the second-fairest of them all (I guess because wearing the kingdom's crown isn't enough, she wants the tiara too; perhaps she would have been happier as an hermaphrodite).  The team of screenwriters (seldom a good sign) add non-existent side stories like some "land of women" baloney, as well as battle scenes; embellish the dark forest and add a fairy sanctuary (to stunning, but pointless effect), which is like Avatar's Pandora, but you don't need to wear those stupid 3D glasses; and more or less beefing up The Huntsman by combining the role with the Prince (Hemsworth Thors it up without any of his superhero's charm)--all in the name of hitting a two-hour running time.  While unnecessarily narrated, the exposition at the beginning is compelling and fun, but then motivations are imposed on characters to work within the restrictive measures of the original tale.  Some of the scenes just don't make sense and belonged on the cutting room floor.  The man-hating, blood-thirsty evil witch here is poorly written, but Theron tries to make sense out of her while literally sucking the life out of young maidens, almost going flat-out Temple of Doom style on a hot guy's heart (whom she forecasts would have probably broke hers in her younger days), and ordering around her inept, towheaded, pageboy brother Finn (Sam Spruell).  And when she's not aiming for Most Hated Queen Ever, she talks to an invisible mirror reflection, which takes the shape of a gilded, cloaked, faceless man (in her mind).  She's quite the narcissist and also a master of disguise (which isn't used to full effect here, like in the original story), but she's also bat-shit crazy.  After about an hour or so, the film ventures off into unbearably negligible worlds.  The best part of first-time director Rupert Sanders' $170M production are the creepy-good visual effects, despite the obvious RED camera-work.  That particular team deserves an Oscar nod for sure.  But, they should put this talk of a sequel to rest, with or without the involvement of accused harlot Stewart.  The original didn't even make its budget back domestically (it was perhaps saved by its worldwide take, and other ancillaries) and, this being Hollywood, there is likely no story left, especially if we're talking about Snow White and The Huntsman, and the generally blandish actors who played them.