Rita Rizzoli: "She's No Lady ... This Is Whoopi"

I would feel a little safer living in L.A. if this were the late 1980s, because at least I know that Rita Rizzoli would be cleaning up the streets and keeping the criminals in check.  Instead, I have to carry mace with me while working walking Sunset Blvd at night and looking over my shoulder every couple seconds.  Back in 1987, Sophia Loren was unavailable to play the part of the Italian-American female officer and Armenian-American Cher thought she'd have better awards chances playing a similar ethnic role in Moonstruck (her bet paid off), so they went with the next logical choice: Whoopi Goldberg (otherwise known as cohost on the left-hand side of The View table who knows how to put the skinny conservative one in her place without looking like a militant split-screened bitch who writes Haiku on her blog to calm herself).  She wears a bad-ass blonde curly wig (Whoopi, not Rosie) and kicks white bitch Beverly Hills ass.  She can give good eye-roll and somersault into a gun pose on cue.  It's clear that Whoopi studied Gail Neely's raw determination to take the law into her own hands, uttering lines like, "One word, and I'm going to clear your sinuses" and "People like you are the reason abortion is legal."  (Thanks to coscreenwriter Dean Riesner [may he RIP] who knew these words were going to be as memorable as "Make my day.")  The announcer lets us know (like we didn't already): "She's got the moves, she's got the mouth, she's got the badge."  She also has Sam Elliott stalking her thinking he has a thing or two to teach her, but we know it's the other way around.  When he makes fun of the way she dresses, smells, even her relationship with her cat, you KNOW he wants some of Miss Celie.  What *is* Fatal Beauty, you still ask?  You mean, you haven't figure it out?  Well, I thought it was an obvious reference to Whoopi not only being a cop, but using her wiles on the side as a Black Widow bride.  However, judging from the trailer, it's a drug that the ignorant masses will eat up with a spoon doled out by crime lord Brad Dourif, who specialized in playing looney after his bat-shit crazy, but inadvertently sexy portrayal of Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  (When I was a kid, I dreamed of being his asylum ward, and dressing him up in a straitjacket [I'd wear a gay one] so he'd never leave me for any of those visiting hos.  Later on in life, I'd make out with a guy who played Bibbit in a community theatre production.  So, I guess I almost got there.)  If he won the Oscar that year, we would have known what George Burns would be like as a smug drug dealer with shoulder-length hair.  This instant classic made only $12M at the box-office, but I'm sure it cost twice that much, because, this was before studios knew that Whoopi will say yes to any movie (she was the Nicolas Cage of her day).  Beauty currently suffers from a 25% RT score, which is tragically less than every single piece-of-shit Twilight movie (even New Moon!).  This was director Tom Holland's followup to giving us a hot slice of Chris Sarandon as an orgasmically sexy vampire in Fright Night (the original), and went on to direct such classics as Child's Play and The Temp.  Just so you know how weird Hollywood is, coscreenwriter Hilary Henkin went on to get nominated for writing Wag the Dog (with David Mamet).  From trash to red carpet faster than Rita Rizzoli will say "freeze!"